I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
