I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
