I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
