I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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