Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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