it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
