Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
