Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
