She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Two words: blizzard sex
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
