I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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