Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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