It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
