You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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