Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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