Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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