my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
