when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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