i just sent this text using only my big toe
only you would photoshop your dick
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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