I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
