On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
