hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up under a house in Key West
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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