dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
