Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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