well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
