I want to have your abortion
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
