The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
When are your genitals available?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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