Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
