Pants 0. Shit 1.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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