So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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