I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
