I just saw a hot homeless man
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
