I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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