So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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