I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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