It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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