we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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