I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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