I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
