I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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