my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We need to get me chipped asap
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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