I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
