please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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