Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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