my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
