theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Randomize
