even my farts smell like vagina
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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