There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
