Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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