Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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