his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
