I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
