I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
