dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
